My Breastfeeding Journey

After I gave birth, I knew nothing about breastfeeding. My parents had children during the time Formula feeding was already the norm. Nobody in the family breastfed. But I was lucky enough to have that one friend (whom I never talked to back in college, but fortunately got close with when I found out she wag pregnant too!) - Aimee Macandog - who helped me throughout the start of my breastfeeding journey. When I almost gave up, she invited me to join Breastfeeding Pinays on Facebook. And that's how my advocacy started.
I didn't have the best start. I couldn't even say it was a good one. My son was 2.2 kg when he was born, and he seemed to be losing weight each day. When he was roomed in, all he did was cry, especially during his scheduled blood extractions and random injections. One time, when I made him latch, he cried. Out. Loud. I got so scared I stopped offering my breasts, so I pumped instead. I had a single electrical pump, so it took time before I could pump enough milk for him (I didn't know what was enough).  When he took the bottle, I felt relieved, but somehow felt that I already lost the battle. With the amount of milk I pumped, I thought it was next to impossible to continue pumping for him. So I had them buy us a big can of formula.

When we were sent home, when I couldn't anymore handle the stress of having to pump as he cries (I didn't know there was a pumping schedule I should adhere to), I tried to offer again my boob -- against all odds, against what I "thought" was best for my son. He stopped crying, latched on, and he drank away. I cried...and told everyone about it. They didn't understand my happiness. I knew the benefits, they didn't.

Just when I thought everything was already going smoothly, he started crying all day. I was so close to opening that can of milk when my gut feeling told me to wait and do more research. I searched about growth spurt, but it didn't seem like it. He was clearly in pain. So I tried researching more -- and that's when my partner came in the room and told me. "Mahal, uminom ka na ng gatas?". I said yes. I drank a can of Bear Brand. He told me Ram could be reacting because of the milk I drank. And that's when he told me -- "Ituloy mo lang yan mahal. Nabasa ko na tama ka, na yan ang the best para sa anak naten. Nag research ako at tama ka. Salamat sa pagmahal sa anak naten at sa pagbigay sakaniya ng the best. Salamat.."

I was more determined than ever. I was my son's main source of nutrition, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Days after days, he became heavier and heavier. But I knew I had to go back to school again, so I researched for the best pump. I bought a lot of different pumps. Single, Double, Manual, Electric -- name it, I've tried them all. My last resort was the Medela Double Electrical pump, which was probably the best. I went to Medela house with high hopes that it would work for me. But it didn't. So I decided to visit a lactation consultant. She said it's normal for some not to be able to pump enough, but that doesn't mean I had no milk -- I actually had an abundant supply. Pumps aren't just meant for me. Maybe it's because of my PCOS, maybe because my breasts were used to direct feed my son--whatever the reason was, I left the clinic crying because I thought it was already over for me.

I told my parents I couldn't go back to law school that year, because formula wasn't an option for me. They were very understanding, even when I couldn't fully explain the benefits of breastfeeding to them. So I decided to work for our family's company instead.

It helps a lot, you know, having a family and a partner that fully support your advocacy and your choice to nurture your child with your very own milk...

...But it doesn't mean it isn't a bumpy road. Unsolicited pieces of advice and nasty remarks are often given by people who never even experienced doing it. Even when you try to tell them that what they thought was wrong. But it didn't break me. I knew the benefits. They didn't.

Someone once told me that breastfeeding my child this long could make him autistic. I found it offensive, but I chose to stay silent and smiled at her because... I knew the benefits. She didn't.

Someone once told me that I should start weaning my child because I need some time alone. I found it not valid enough to stop, but I chose to stay silent and smiled at her because... I knew the benefits. She didn't.

I didn't breastfeed because it made me feel like the best mother. Trust me, I was formula fed but I could pretty much say that I have the best mother in the world and that I am not even close to being as beautiful and as good a mother as she is.

I didn't breastfeed because I want my son to love me, and just me. Before and after he feeds, I make sure he bonds with his daddy and our family. He is close to me not just because he drinks his Dede from me, but because he knows I love him.

I chose to breastfeed because:

1. It made me feel like I'm GOOD enough to be a mother. To be Ram's mother. I wanted to breastfeed him because it made me feel better about everything that I couldn't give him. And for someone who has nothing else to give to her son, that's something.

2. It is the best start for my son. According to WebMD, "Breast milk provides the ideal nutrition for infants. It has a nearly perfect mix of vitamins, protein, and fat -- everything your baby needs to grow. And it's all provided in a form more easily digested than infant formula. Breast milk contains antibodies that help your baby fight off viruses and bacteria. Breastfeeding lowers your baby's risk of having asthma or allergies. Plus, babies who are breastfed exclusively for the first 6 months, without any formula, have fewer ear infections, respiratory illnesses, and bouts of diarrhea. They also have fewer hospitalizations and trips to the doctor."

I guess that pretty much answers why. ;)

I am proud to say that I have been breastfeeding my son for 20 months now. It wasn't easy, it still isn't...but my son is worth it. :) I will stop breastfeeding him when he weans on his own. I don't know when it's going to happen but it will...so please, be kind and just let us be. I am doing what I know is best for my son and that's how it's going to be for the rest of our lives. I am not a perfect mom, even though I try, but I have the most perfect son... And he deserves nothing but the best. :)

Love,

Maxi Mama
A Proud Breastfeeding Mama

Little RAMventures: Fuego Trip

Since I am in a hurry now and therefore can't make a blog post that our weekend deserves, I would like to share a short video that I made with GoPro Studio to show how much we enjoyed our trip to Punta Fuego. Detailed blog post to follow, we promise. ENJOY! :-)

RAMventures: Punta Fuego from Natalaine Enriquez on Vimeo.

Sincrely,

Maxi Mama & The Little Rascal

Friday The 13th Isn't So Bad At All.

Friday the 13th.

You know what they all say about Friday the 13th.

"It's unlucky."

"Don't go out, you'll get in an accident."

"It's bad luck!"

Unfortunately, I was one of those very few who get really scared about Friday the 13th. Hah. I don't know why, but I get chills at the thought of it. I don't remember being in an accident before. Maybe it's just something that I got used to or grew up with, you know.

Anyway, here's how I overcame my fear of Friday the 13th...

December 13, 2013.

It was a Friday. Yes, Friday the 13th.

It was an ordinary day.

At least, it started out as one.

I woke up early. We were supposed to pick up a toy (which was my gift for the little one) from Kris of Power Retail in Mandaluyong. I was so sleepy (and scared at the thought of Friday the 13th) that I had to let Marshall go alone instead.

Boogie was sick that time, so when Marshall got home, we decided to bring her to the hospital after running our errands.

Destination 1. We couldn't get through as the road was under construction.

Destination 2. We got lost along the way and when we finally got there, I changed my mind and decided to leave and get an ultrasound instead.

Enroute destination 3. We were running out of gas in the middle of a traffic jam. I remember crying because it was already past 4pm and the last call for ultrasound was 4:30! I was an emotional wreck when I was still pregnant, it's hilarious. Lol

But luckily, we got in just in time for my ultrasound! Before the sonologist started the ultrasound session, she was kinda cheeky and talkative. That's why when she started to get quiet in the middle of our session, I started to get nervous and immediately asked her if there's something wrong.

Indeed, there was.

I was only 36 weeks along and was running out of amniotic fluid. The only part of his body with enough fluid to sustain him was his head. I was so nervous I kept on asking her what would happen. She said I had to call my doctor, and I did. And that's when my doctor said I had to go to the hospital as I needed to be induced right away. I had mixed emotions. I was nervous, but  really excited at the same time. I immediately called my parents and siblings and they were pretty excited too. Except for my Papa, who was really nervous. Hehehe. Of course, we had to go home to drop off Boogie and to get my hospital bags. I had a nice, hot shower, too! :-) I remember Mama calling me and asking why I haven't gone to the hospital yet. I told her I was busy putting on make up. Haha! I just had to put on my favorite Red Matte lipstick from Mac! :-)

When we got to the hospital, I was checked and there and then we found out that I was already in active labor. And since I wasn't feeling any pain, I decided to go all natural. I told the doctors that I won't be needing any epidural/anesthesia. I was too eager to go natural that I was even willing to sign a waiver.

Labor

My labor went pretty well. I even got bored and asked whether I could go out and walk around. Of course, they didn't let me, but they did allow me to call my family (who was staying in the suite room) and chat with them. That went for about 30 minutes or so. My mama was really nervous at that tine that she would visit the labor room almost every hour to check on me. She would even bring food. Isn't she the best??? Hihi. Anyway, I didn't get to eat the chocolate cake she bought me and I was so heartbroken by it that I decided to doze off for a while.  When I woke up after an hour, my doctor arrived. That was about past 10. She said she's expecting me to give birth around 6am the next day and told my parents about it. I was 5-6cm already then, I think? They were about to go home and rest when the doctor called them and asked them to stay due to an emergency.

I could still remember it clearly...

They were about to check on my little angel. They took out the doppler and placed it on my tummy. We couldn't hear a thing. They tried to use another doppler, but still to no avail. They all started to look at one another. I was so confused and startled, I started to sweat. I didn't know what was happening. They tried to resuscitate him inside of me but there was no progress in his heartbeat. That very moment, I felt it already -- the fear of losing someone you never met but loved so dearly. It was so great I couldn't feel anything else. I couldn't even cry. So when my doctor told me she had to cut me open, I said yes and I was brought to the operating room already.

Birth

I fell half-asleep in the arms of the attending doctor and the nurse due to shock. When the anesthesiologist came and gave me the epidural, they cut me open right away. I could still feel the tugging and pulling but it was more uncomfortable than painful. When my doctor said the baby's out, I waited and waited for that beautiful cry. The time seemed to stop because it felt like forever... When I started to ask for him, he cried. It was a short, loud cry. It was so beautiful... When they showed him to me, I kissed him and let him latch on my breast. He was so beautiful and so tiny. He weighed only 5.1 pounds and measured 48cm long but he filled up my heart.

Hours after my operation, I was already walking my way to the nursery to breastfeed him. The first time I held him, I cried. He was so small and lovely. I stayed for about an hour with him, just looking at him and telling him how much I love him. Every 2 hours I would walk back and forth with my catheter and dextrose intact just to see him. Everytime I was with him, I didn't feel any pain, only love and happiness.

How can someone so little mean the world to me?

On Being A Parent

Although I still have a lot to learn, I'm very confident that I learned pretty fast when it comes to taking care of our little angel. I guess it's because of my parents who taught me well and guided me throughout. Even though I still break down every once in a while, I believe I'm giving him enough, as I'm giving him all of me. 

My Post-Partum Realization

Now that I've become a mom, I've come to realize that despite being a cry baby, I am, in fact, a strong woman. And no, it's not because I labored for hours without any anesthesia nor is it because I was already moving around only hours after they cut me open, but because I've managed to keep my composure even after everything I went through. I admit, I almost got depressed due to a lot of things I need not to elaborate on. I would cry myself to sleep at night and would resort to confinement. But I made it through. I endured demeaning words and sneering remarks, unsolicited nods of disapproval and unjust demands of others. I endured them. I survived them. But of course, I have my family and my partner to be thankful for, for they listened to me every time I couldn't take it anymore. And my son, for unleashing a potential I never thought existed in me.

Thankful

I want to thank each and everyone who became a part of my pregnancy and my birth. You are all lovely.

I want to thank my family for always taking care of me, for making sure I never miss a meal and for simply being there for me. You have provided us everything and for that I couldn't thank you enough. I don't know what I would do without you. I love you all so much.

I want to thank my Marshall for tending to my every need, for understanding my post-partum forgetfulness, for always sleeping early at night just so he could get up early and help me with Ram and for still loving me even when I didn't take a shower for about a week after giving birth. Hehe you are the best and Ram and I are blessed to have you forever. I love you!

---------------------------------------

See?

What started out as an ordinary Friday the 13th full of surprises turned into an extraordinary one when I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy, my very own Armando Marcial. 

My Journey to Motherhood

I could still remember it clearly…the day I found out.

It was April 24, 2013. Wednesday afternoon. I was staying at my Parents' room, resting on their soft, brown couch. I woke up at the middle of my sleep and suddenly felt sick. I felt the urge to vomit and ran my way to the bathroom and let it all out. Normally, I would be grossed out. But that very moment, I didn't, I just let out a big smile and said, "THIS IS IT". However, I postponed the testing, thinking it was way too early.

Two days after, I took a test, but it was negative. I felt disappointed and hid the test inside my closet. I cried for a little while, called Marshall (who was at their house, studying) and told him what happened. He told me to throw the test away and all the other unused PT kits I had (I had about 10, I think!) and just enjoy what we had then. So I took the test from my closet (ready to throw it away) and was surprised to see a very, very faint line, which could actually mean a lot of things. But for me, it only meant one thing: I was pregnant…again! I called Marshall right away and I cried again. This time, however, it was tears of joy. :)

The First Trimester

During the first trimester, I had the worst morning sickness. I don't know why they call it "morning" sickness because I had it all day long! I would vomit before and after eating. Breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. And all the meals I had in between. Have I mentioned it happened all day? It wasn't easy, as I had to worry about my weight loss and whether or not I was able to give my baby the proper nutrition he needed. The fact that I had to wait for about a month (after finding out) to know whether it was a viable pregnancy didn't help either. I was scared to death that what happened to me last March 2013 would happen to me again -- when I wasn't even able to hear the heartbeat of my little one before I lost him/her.

On May 22, I was around 7-8 weeks, I had my first ultrasound. And guess what? Marshall and I finally heard our little one's heartbeat. It was a milestone for the both of us. We could see our baby, our very own miracle, our half and half, looking like what seemed like a tiny worm, with a heart that's beating away. I cried during the ultrasound. I cried because I couldn't believe that it was happening. In fact, I had as many ultrasounds as I could just to make sure that I was really pregnant (and to check his progress, of course!). Heck, I even got my own doppler from Amazon (which I got through thecarefreeshopper!), which helped us get through the days when we would worry about our little one. Yes, I am that much of a paranoid. But who can blame me, anyway?

The Second Trimester

During the second trimester, which a lot of people call the "honeymoon stage" of pregnancy, my morning sickness was still at its peak. In addition to that, I had the worst back pain and I had my bouts of round ligament pain. Again, it wasn't easy. I wouldn't call it the most comfortable. However, it was indeed the honeymoon stage -- it was when I started to show and when I, we, first felt our baby kick/move. I remember smiling and screaming when I first felt a kick inside. Marshall wouldn't believe me at first because he couldn't feel it (Jealous much? Hehe). After 3 days of enjoying the kicks alone, our little one finally let our daddy join the fun. He felt him kick 3 times on August 27, at around 1 am. He screamed and jumped out of joy. He said it felt amazing and that he could do that everyday -- wait for our baby kick and feel it. Another milestone in our life together!

On August 8, I was about 18 weeks, we went out to get a gender determination ultrasound. I wanted a boy. Marshall wanted a boy. But everyone (except from my Mama and Sister) said it was going to be a girl! When it was already our turn, I felt excited and nervous at the same time. Our baby had his/her legs wide open but I couldn't really tell. The sonologist suddenly laughed and told us that our baby was scratching "down there". He then asked, "What do you want?". I said "boy!" with no hesitations. My prayer was answered, again! It was indeed a boy. Finally, a baby boy in our family!

The Third Trimester

During the third trimester, my morning sickness was already gone and so I started to gain weight. I could pretty much say that this is the most comfortable stage ever! I love that I could walk all day without getting too worn out and that I didn't have to go through edema and stretch marks (well, at least not yet…). I also love how the kicks and movement are more distinct now and how he would kick more whenever we're alone together. It makes me feel like he's already talking to me, telling me how much he loves me. Hihi. It was harder to sleep at night and to pick up something from the floor, though, but that's pretty bearable.

On November 8 (I was about 31 weeks+), however, after an unfortunate event at around 10PM, I had a trip to the Labor and Delivery room. It was only then we found out that I was already dilated to 1 and that I was having mild to moderate contractions. Not to mention a very bad UTI! Needless to say, I was confined and had to stay there for about 3 days. It wasn't easy staying there. I had to stay still all the time. I couldn't stand up or even sit up. The meds drove my heart rate up to 120+ so I had a heart time breathing as well and I had to be sedated. But, I was thankful that my baby was doing great and that they were able to stop the contractions. After I was sent home, I told myself (and the nurses too!) that that would be the last time I would end up on the L&D before I give birth. However, I had to go back there (hehe) on November 23 after a false water leak and found out that I was already at 1-2 with regular contractions (why the hell couldn't I feel them?). I was confined again but after 1 day, I asked, well, begged to be sent home because I would rather be in the comforts of our own home. I was sent home and was asked to go on strict house arrest until my due date (and that's less than a month away!). And just recently, I experienced bleeding and we all thought I was going to give birth already, yet again! Well, it turned out to be minimal and yes, I'm still very much pregnant. (Magiging pilyo tong batang to paglaki. Haha!) Pregnancy, indeed, is one hell of a roller coaster ride, no?

I have to admit, the house arrest was mentally and emotionally killing me. I have already lost almost 5-7 pounds in less than 2 weeks and Marshall is blaming my over thinking. I would cry at night, thinking about a lot of things and possibilities. From him not being there during my labor, to me dying on the table, to being forced to get a CS instead, to delivering my baby way too early and seeing him inside an incubator, to going overdue. I am one crazy pregnant woman, I know. But then again, I have to blame my hormones for that. :P (Disclaimer: I make sure my baby is perfectly healthy despite all the crazy things I do, or think of, for that matter.)

Overall, it wasn't an easy and perfect pregnancy -- it still isn't. But honestly, I love being pregnant! And I would do it all over again after I finish Law school, with both the good and bad. Every pain and discomfort I feel, every sacrifice I have to make, every wine or sushi or gathering I have to say No to, every big kick on the rib I have to endure, every night I have to go through with less or no sleep…every little damn thing was, is and will always be worth it because it only means one thing: I'm going to have a baby. And for a woman who's been told she's barren, that means just about everything.

PS: Dear baby boy, we can't wait to see you. Daddy M and Ate Boogie, along with your Nana, Papa P, Aunts, Uncles and Ate C, have been taking extra good care of me because they want you safe and healthy. Always know that we all love you and that we'll love you more each day. See you soon. :)



Love, Mama Ella.

On Taking Second Chances

PS: I am truly sorry if there's any grammatical error or lack of thought organization. I was very emotional when I made the video last year, and I unfortunately had no time to redo it. :-)